


Once angel, now human

by keepcalmanddonotblink



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas being Cas, Human Castiel, M/M, Post Season 8, just kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-13
Updated: 2013-07-13
Packaged: 2017-12-20 02:50:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/882075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepcalmanddonotblink/pseuds/keepcalmanddonotblink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas always had a way of saying his name, like it meant more.<br/>Dean didn’t want to enjoy Cas´ way of saying his name.<br/>Because he really liked the way Cas said it and that scared him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once angel, now human

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my wonderful sister weirdfangirling (tumblr) for wasting more than three hours of her life to do an amazing beta. You are perfect!

Dean opened the door and there he was - his fallen angel. Castiel. The last few days were rough so he couldn´t hide his happiness at finally seeing him again.  
With a big smile on his face he hugged Cas, only because he wanted to, because he needed to. He held on just a little bit too long, just like he did in purgatory. Because it was always hard for him to let go, to let Cas go. Even when he´d never admit to that in front of anyone.

“Dean...“ His name, spoken softly, like a request.

He looked at Cas, waiting. “I... Metatron... he …”, Cas' voice cracked and Dean could see how hard it was for him to speak, to tell him what had happened. But finally Cas managed to squeeze it out.  
“Metatron... He has my grace.”

The words fell like raindrops. Still Dean understood what Cas was trying to say. He´d heard what Naomi had told him, he saw the angels falling. No need to say it loud. But of course Cas had to, like he always did: “It's all my fault, Dean. Again.”  
There was unfathomable sadness in his eyes Dean could hardly stand. “Don’t….!“  
He couldn't stand it, seeing Cas like this. He refused to believe his words and so he answered angrier than he thought: „Metatron lied to you! He used you! Dammit, it´s not your fault! You only did, what you thought was right!“

A sad smile was on Cas face as he responded quietly: „Yes, I did. But as you once said, I always do. And look what happened. What I´ve done this time.“  
Dean sighed. It was always hard to tell what was going on in this funny mind of this person that meant so much for him. „After all that we’ve been through... you should know... I.... Cas...“, it was hard to find the words, to express what he really wanted to say. „Men, I did a lot of stupid things too, but that is the past and we should figure out what to do next, like we always do. So Cas, please stop blaming yourself.“

„Dean...“ Why did Castiel always had to say his name like this? Like a promise.

„Do you understand what happened? With the angels? With me?“ Slowly Dean nodded his head and he knew that he had to say it out loud, otherwise Cas would do it. And Dean couldn't stand to watch Castiel hurting himself. He cleared his throat.  
„The angels fell. And you… you are human, Cas… you are like us. Like me.“

***

Dean let himself down on the chair, trying to ignore the pain in his upper arm and the concerned look on Cas face. He was out on a hunt with Cas. Sam was still too weak to come with them, sleeping for most of the day. And now Dean had got hurt, just because he'd been careless for a second. Because for a moment he was too worried about Cas, who wasn't used to being human yet. Who still hadn't realized how fragile he was, how easily damaged his body was now, that his wounds wouldn't heal like they did before. And Dean didn't want Cas to be hurt, to have anything bad happen to him. He had to save him the same way Cas had saved him, so many times.

He managed to pull his arm out of his jacket to examine his wound. It wasn't that bad, but it would require a few stitches to heal up. Cas took a step forward, ignoring everything he learned about personal space again. His hands were clutched in a fist, as if he was holding something back, as if he wanted to say something.

„ Just say it!“, Dean demanded, because sometimes it was so easy to read Castiel and he wanted him to trust him and he really didn't like to see Cas like this and there were so many other reasons.  
Cas looked down on his hands, still clutched into fists then took a deep breath before managing to say something. It felt like he was forcing himself to press the words through his lips. „I am useless.“

It wasn't the first time Dean heard this sentence from Castiel. But it was the first time the human Castiel said it, so he looked up, right into these blue eyes, which seemed to drive him crazy. Why did Cas just have to look at him like this? And why was he feeling… something?  
„No, you're not!“, Dean retorted nearly jelling: „You're not useless! You´re just not used to be human. But you will figure it all out... and... and I will help you ….. I will be by your side.“

But it was as if Cas didn't listen. As if he just didn't want to hear his words. Hear him.  
„But I am a burden to you. You would be better without me. I am still bad luck, Dean. I hurt you so much… and now it is my fault that you got hurt again. I can't even help you. I can't heal you!“

Ignoring the pain caused by his wound Dean stood up, right in front of his friend. He wanted Cas to listen, really listen to him.  
„Cas... I don’t care if you can heal me or not. I don’t care if I got hurt or not, because it happens sometime and I trust you, I always did and I still do. You should know me better. You should know that I don't care what was before. Because in the end I'll always forgive you..... in the end it doesn't matter.... and as I said once, and let me bottom-line this for you again: I’d rather have you, cursed or not than not at all.“

But instead of an answer, any reaction, Cas stood still, looking intensely into Dean's eyes. Dean could feel his own heart beating, hear his blood rushing in his hears. He had to leave, fast, because there were things Cas would probably never understand and this was one of them.

So he turned around and told Cas like he had to explain his actions: „I should look after Sam.“  
Without turning back he left the room. Only when he was sure Castiel couldn't hear or see him, he let out a deep sigh, as if only now he was able to breathe again.  
„Damnit, Cas...“ Dean knew it. He knew. And yet, he still wished. Wished for a miracle, a sign of god. Anything. Something. But he knew some things just couldn't be.

***

They were hunting again. The Winchesters and a human angel. Sam was feeling better, but still not on top of his game which is why Dean didn't like that he came with them. But after all this hunt mattered, for all of them, but mostly for Sam.  
Kevin had discovered a few new things on the angel tablet, and one of these things was something that could help Sam with the burden he had on his shoulders, with the trials. But for that they needed a few items, like it always was. And finally after what seemed to take ages, there was just this one tiny little thing left, just a few fangs of vampires, nothing more. After all that shouldn't be a big deal. When they´d finally found a nest, there was no way of stopping Sam from coming with them. And Dean knew that if he had been in Sammy’s place, he would also want to go with them.

So they made a plan, which – of course- turned out to be a pretty stupid one. Everything had been too easy to not be a trap. But as always, they fell right into it. And of course they realized their mistake when it was too late. When there were the punches and the gnarling of too many vampires and no way to escape.

Even if there were a way, Dean would rather fight than run. Sometimes he kind of missed purgatory. The fighting. The killing. Benny and Cas with him, saving each other’s lives so many times. This was one of these times where his experience in killing things down in purgatory turned out to be useful.

He quickly glanced to Cas, but the human angel didn't notice it. He would protect him. No matter what. In the past few weeks he´d been training and teaching Cas everything he knew. He even had to teach him the most ordinary stuff. Like changing your clothes every once in a while. Or how to use a toothbrush. The funniest part had been cooking together. Cas had a million questions and wanted to know things that nobody else would ever ask. Like: “Did this cow have a good life?” or “Do you think this tomato liked being a tomato?”

So it was no wonder, that Dean spent more time with taking care of the human angel than with looking after the still weak Sam, because after all there was nothing he could do to make his wounds heal faster and Kevin promised to keep an eye on Sam.  
So they hunted together, and Cas was getting better and better at it. He tried so hard to meet Dean’s expectations. Dean sometimes wondered if Castiel still thought that he had to be punished for everything he did and if he saw all this as a part of it. Being human. Being stuck here. Still fighting a war that seemed to be long lost.

All these thoughts just made him angry, because there was nothing he could do, not really. So he was kind of pleased as the vampires attacked. It was a way for him to get rid of all these feelings. Copping off heads distracted him from the constant whirlwind of feelings inside of him. Continuing the family business, that was something he could actually do.

From the corner of his eyes he saw a vampire attacking Sam, so he quickly turned around. He was a few seconds too slow. The vampire threw Sam backwards, his head collided with a brick wall and his body sank on the floor. „Sam!“  
Fueled with fury Dean jumped forward, beheaded the vampire and turned around right before the next attack came at him. Protecting his little brother. Like he always did and always will. There were so many of these damn vampires, far too many.  
He fought like a berserker; he wouldn't let anyone get near his brother.

But at last a vampire tackled him from the side, so he fell backwards, right next to Sam, still fighting, still not giving in. But he knew that the battle was lost, and deep down he thought that maybe it was for the best.  
He could feel the vampire's breath. It was about to bite him.

„So this is how I die.“, Dean considered and closed his eyes. Waiting for the bite, waiting for the pain, waiting for death.  
It didn't happen: There was just the familiar sound of a sword chopping off a head. He opened his eyes. There he stood, full of blood that wasn't his own. Castiel looking down to him with a little smile.

„Oh, Cas... right now I could bloody kiss you!“, Dean declared, smiling back at the human angel. Right after he said it, he could see the confusion on Castiel’s face. Sometimes he was really too easy to read. So Dean added quickly: „I didn't mean literally. It's more an figure of speech.“

Cas laid his head aside, a gesture that was so… Cas, but still he answered: „I understand.“ But there was something in his voice, something Dean couldn't quite figure out. But he chose to ignore it. Like he did so often.

Instead of responding, Dean turned to Sam to check if he was okay. He thanked god, or whomever, that his brother was alive and breathing. „Look after Sam, I have work to do.“, he commanded and pulled a pair of pincers out of his jacket: „Let's play dentist.“  
He stood up with a grin on his face. He'd survived thanks to Cas. Now even Castiel had to see, that he was not useless…

***

„Here is your dinner.“, Dean was proud of his new burger-creation. He really was. He put one plate in front of Sam and the other in front of Cas. „Thank you.“, Sam said and Cas added: „I could bloody kiss you!“

Dean almost laughed. Why did Cas have to be so clueless? Saying things like this, thinking this is how you used these words. Dean could see Sam's irritated look to Castiel and him and he knew he had to explain this, otherwise it would end up in a big misunderstanding.

But he was too slow, too flustered by Castiel’s words.  
Sam was faster, standing up while taking his plate announcing: „I'll go,see if Kevin has figured out something new. So you two can do..... Whatever you need to do...“ And before Dean could react Sam had left the room. „Sonofabitch!“, Dean murmured.

„Did I do something wrong?“, Castiel asked confused and Dean shook his head: „No, you haven't. You were just being you.“ Although the angel was now human, he really was the same. His people skills were still subpar and he didn't get things right most of the time.  
„But Sam really seemed to be... worried. “, Cas replied, which made Dean smile. In this moment he realized that since Castiel had become human Dean actually smiled a lot. Because Cas made him smile. Just by being Cas.

„Cas, never change! Okay?“, Dean was damn happy to have Castiel by his side. That he didn't vanish all of a sudden like he did so often before. But like so many times before he also couldn't say that aloud.

„Dean...“, his name - like a question.

Cas always had a way of saying his name, like it meant more. Dean didn’t want to enjoy Cas' way of saying his name. Because he really liked the way Cas said it and that scared him.

Dean sighed: „Just don't change, okay?“ The human angel nodded, although Dean could still see the confusion on his face.  
He gave in: „I have to explain it to you, don't I?“  
„That would be nice.“, Cas answered with a little smile: „There is so much I still don't understand.“ „Well, then...“, Dean began, trying to figure out how to explain it to Cas. How could he possibly tell him anything about context and kissing?  
Then something came to his mind, something he was not sure he wanted to remember, but Dean knew that this even the human angel would understand. „Cas, do you remember the Pizzaman?“

***

They had fought hard, it hadn’t been an easy fight. But somehow they got another job done.  
This time it was Cas who got hurt. Because Dean was too sure that he could handle it on his own. Because he got a too careless. So while Sam was cleaning up the mess, Dean drove with Cas to the motel they had checked in. He was bleeding really bad. „Don't die!“, he demanded while driving, and even though he knew that Cas was right next to him and couldn't hear his prayers anymore, he prayed to him.

Stay with me, Cas. Don't leave me, not now. Never. Please. I will fix you, I will. So please, Cas, hear my prayers and hold on.  
He didn't say any of that aloud. Because he never would. Because praying was so much easier than talking.

Dean managed to carry Castiel inside their room, sitting him down on the bed. „I am sorry, Cas, but you need to help me. You need to take off your coat.“, Dean commanded while he undid Castiel’s tie. Slowly Cas shed his coat, trying to ignore the pain, even if Dean could tell how much every move hurt by looking at his scrunched up face. Dean hurried to get the needed supplies, clean water, a towel, a needle and thread to sew the wound, while he hoped that it wasn't too deep. He had done this so often, sewed his own body or Sam's. But this was the first time for human Cas.

„That may hurt.“, he warned while pulling up Cas's shirt. There was a lot of blood, which he hastily wiped away, while Cas hissed with pain. With a quick look he figured out that the cut wouldn't kill Castiel and for that he was thankful. Maybe there was something watching over them after all.

„Bite down on this!“, he told Cas and wedged a belt between his teeth. Dean could see the fear in Cas' eyes, even though he tried to hide it. They spent too much time together that Cas could hide something like that from him. He just knew him too well. Dean asked: „Cas, do you trust me?“ And the human angel nodded: „Always.“ „Than bite down!“

Minutes, that felt like hours, later Dean lay down the needle and smiled at Cas: „We just need to dress your wounds, and then you should rest. “  
Cas smiled back, a warm and soft smile. He cleared his throat and very quietly and very seriously he said: „I could bloody kiss you. “ Now it was Dean who was a little bit confused so he replied with a sigh: „Cas, I thought we've talked about this! Context! “

He wished it wasn't that complicated. Cas was save for now. He would survive. But if they really managed to get the angels back into heaven, if they really managed to do what Castiel wanted to do, it also meant that Cas would leave him again. And he really didn't want to think about that. Him, left back here, stuck.

Yes, he still had his brother. And yes, Sam was getting better. But Dean just didn't want to lose Cas all over again. Because every time Cas was in heaven they messed with him, they tried to change him, to manipulate him, they had even forced Castiel to hurt Dean. And he just couldn't forget that, because they didn't only hurt him or Sam, they also hurt Cas, twisted him, used him in so many ways. His Cas, his fallen angel, who did so much for him, saved him in so many ways, so many times.

„I know, Dean.“, Cas answered while looking Dean directly in his eyes. Those blue eyes, that held no harm, just softness and goodwill, were going to drive Dean mad. And for the first time it was his turn to say something, Castiel usually said: „I don't understand, Cas. What do you mean?“

Dean wasn’t sure if he'd gone insane, that this was a strange dream. What was going on in this confusing brain of Castiel? What was he thinking of? What was the meaning behind his behavior?

But instead of a clear answer Cas just laid a hand on Dean’s face, touching his cheek, as if he wasn't sure. It was a soft gesture but the feelings that came with it were overwhelming. Comfort. Safety. Longing.

„Dean...“ His name. Asking for permission.

In this moment time stood still. Dean was frozen, he hadn't expected this. Never thought about it. That this could actually be. That Cas could feel this way. That he could ever feel these things for Dean, because Dean always thought that he wasn't good enough. For anybody. Least of all for Cas. That he deserved this. His tenderness. His kindness. His love.

„Cas...“ A permission.

And Castiel lent forward slowly. Dean looked into his blue eyes, not sure if he really understood what was happening. If he really knew what it meant. For Cas. For him.  
Their lips touched, a careful kiss, like it was something sacred, something that could easily be destroyed and something they both treasured. Cas' lips felt like they were burning, and Dean's heart seemed to skip a beat. It was as if he had been waiting for this for an eternity.  
And in this moment he was sure that he would never let him go.  
His once angel, now human, Cas.

***

****

### **Epilog:**

Sam swings the door open and takes a step into the room just to freeze instantly. His face wents pale and his eyes widen. “..Uh… I…”, he stutters not sure what he should say. Nobody tells you how to react when you find your brother heavily making out with the angel (but now human), who once gripped your brother tight and raised him from perdition.

He is thankful as Dean let go of Castiel to look at him with a smirk on his face. “Sammy! We didn’t expect you to return so soon.” Dean states while Cas is busy with looking at his hands as if they were the most interesting thing in the world.

Sam sighs. What had he expected? That this wouldn’t happen? He always knew that there was a bond between these two idiots that he never could explain. It always meant something. It was and is profound.

So he shrugs and manages to give Dean a smile back. “Well, I guess this means I have to see if they have another room for me left.” With these words he turns around and walks out of the room, closing the door behind him. And although he still isn’t sure how he should feel about this instance he can’t deny that he knows one thing for sure.

That this time Dean can be happy. Be whole. And as long his brother is happy, he shall let it be. 


End file.
